It comes and goes in a flash. Just a wave of this unimaginable feeling, like something is going to come and destroy me, my family, and all of my friends. I first noticed this ocean full of dread when I was home recovering from a surgery, and my mom had come to stay and help me through the recovery. She was going back home to Arizona. I guess sleeping on my couch for a week, caring for her frail daughter, isn’t what most people would call a relaxing vacation. Uber had just arrived to take her to the airport when it happened. I was overwhelmed by what felt like a deep punch to the gut. I was having trouble breathing as tears streamed down my face. My lungs burned as I gasped for air. I couldn’t imagine being alone. I truly believed my mom was going to leave, and something bad was going to happen to me. The anxiety consumed me.
I was having a panic attack. I felt like I was going to die. If you’ve never had the exhilarating delight this experience provides, you are missing out. Let’s take a Perky Parkie deep dive and explain it to those who haven’t had this adventure.
What is the difference between anxiety and a panic attack?
The best way I can describe the worrisome thinking, response to excessive stress, and concern about the possibility of persistent, intense fear. Imagine that anxiety is the umbrella, and panic attacks are the side effects of avoiding a possible threat when you could lose control of your physical response.
You would think that I could find a pattern in this madness, and although I have recognized some triggers that I avoid like the plague. But you see, what is tricky is that anxiety attacks are the emotional, psychological buildup of these penetrating thoughts. This can later turn into a physical response that comes on suddenly and can leave you sweating, with a racing heart, and shortness of breath.
Now, cut to the Thanksgiving holiday break this year. I was driving with my co-pilot, Penny Lane, on our way to Arizona. I woke up with plans to get an early start towards our 6-hour destination. But my Parkinson’s had other ideas about our morning itinerary. I had packed my personal items, medication, and of course, Penny’s food and her favorite treats. Without warning, I begin to feel anxious about taking too long to get into the car. I felt like I was moving at a sloth’s pace. It’s only a sensation, it’ll pass. I called my parents and told them I had kind of frozen because I felt like everything was too much. It didn’t matter that I was only going 6 hours away to my parents’ house. It’s not like I was traveling to Madagascar. But my worrisome thoughts were attacking my brain. With some deep breaths and using positive affirmations, I talked myself down and was able to push forward on my Arizona Safari.
A common misconception is that people who are trained in the mental health field can just put on their Psychotherapist hat and get to the origin of any psychological issue. The therapist in me should be able to figure it out… right? But in reality, I can’t therapize myself. When you’re in the midst of the mess, you can’t be completely objective, or perhaps you lack insight. Either way, I know when this Miss Perky Parkie needs the support of a professional who isn’t me.
How do I control the anxiety and panic attacks?
You can learn a lot about yourself in those 50-minute therapy sessions. I’ve learned what helps me when I have these worrisome feelings that I might be shifting from anxiety attacks to a full-blown panic attack. I recognize that with Parkinson’s, I can get overwhelmed easily. If I feel like I am being rushed to do something or must make a quick decision, I want to shut down and physically go into a safe space. A perfect example of where my mind goes when I am having anxiety is a time when I came out of my Pilates class to find that I had a dead battery, and I was meeting a friend for lunch. So I did what any normal, calm, rational person would do… I cried and called my Dad. Just kidding… that’s what I would have done if I hadn’t been seeing a Therapist.
Anyways, I called my friend, and she came right over to me, waiting for her in my car in the parking lot. First step done. I broke down the fear and took the task one small step at a time. Time to call AAA and get someone over to jump my car battery. Next step, I need to get some food to eat for lunch, seeing as I will not be able to shut my car off until I get to the dealership. I took the time the rest of the afternoon getting my car back to good as new by breaking down the problems in front of me. I had control over my possible anxiety-producing situation.
Now, as my co-pilot and I are preparing for another expedition for the Christmas Holiday, I feel confident that I won’t have such difficulties with my anxiety. Just to feel better, would you post a comment about a time that you had anxiety or a panic attack? It’s nice to know you’re not alone without all the craziness that Parkinson’s can bring, even during the most wonderful time of the year. Wishing you a happy and healthy new year to you and your family from Penny Lane and her Cousin, Kricket.
I remember it was almost 15 years ago, shortly after being diagnosed, it was the middle of the night and I was collapsed on the kitchen floor having a massive panic attack. I had found your blog a few weeks earlier and in the middle of my midnight panic attack I sent you an email, just sharing my feelings and all my fears. Just getting it all out of myself in writing helped me feel calmer. It was a release, like I was letting go of some of it. You emailed me back the next day with so much love and support and then you sent me a copy of your book.
I’ve had many more panic attacks over the years but each time I do I remember that first one and how you were there for me and it reminds me that I can get through this one too. I’m so grateful for all you do for all of us. Thank you for sharing your life and experiences. ❤️
~ Meg
Hello Meg,
I am so happy to hear that my blog helped in some way. My Goal when I started the Perky Parkie was to find a way to extend my reach to those people who might need a little support, regardless of where they lived. Your comment reminds me how important sharing our stories can be. Thanks for letting me know!
It’s interesting. When I was told that I had Parkinson’s, I asked how long I had to live. The doctor said 25 years.now, since 25 years have passed I have had cancer twice and lost my car to a well meaning wife, I find panic attacks common.
Alley Not sure if you remember a few years ago, I reached out to you when I was lower than the snake’s belly in a muddy wagon rut. You unequivocally reminded me that I was doing everything right to include intense, exercise, sensible diet, social interactions, and so forth. That may sound simple. Do you reminded me I had some semblance of control over Parkinson’s. So instead of backing off, I turned it up the volume and it didn’t last and thank God it hasn’t returned help. I hope you never forget how much you’ve helped all of us in my distraction, as you know, has been my corny Appalachian stories which you have read and critique, even though I admit that I have walked very far on that road less traveled thank you for your caring and your patience
Hi Wayne,
It’s nice to hear from you! I’m happy to hear that my blog still provides you with some happiness! Thank you for being a dedicated reader! Merry Christmas!
I also listen to a book to distract myself and that helps too. Yours was the first book I read 7 years ago when I was diagnosed. I was so thankful that you gave me hope with your humour and stories. Keep it up and we are with you!
Oh Nic, that just made my day! Thank you for letting me know that you enjoyed my book.
Not only enjoyed it, it was the tips and tricks that as a newbie I had no idea about. That is where you gave me hope, you evidenced that you could get through and manage things. In all the darkness you were a beacon. Even now when the old crow is back pecking at my psyche I turned to your blog. I know how it helped me so I picked that up and wherever I can I ‘stream’ you with smiles and support to others in the same boat. I reap the dopamine of kindness and caring. Go well my friend knowing that you are leaving a legacy!
Oh Nic,
Such a sweet comment! Thank you! You’ve made my holiday season!
Glad to hear from you again!
I, too, have found anxiety to be an increasing addition to my Parkinsons full-meal deal. I only drive on a good day now, and a couple of weeks ago I was happy to feel pretty okay, and was looking forward to visiting a Christmas craft fair with my two grown kids. We arrived, got parked pretty close ( my son keeps bugging me to get a disability parking pass- I’ll get to it)and went up a few stairs to the event. I was proud I’d remembered my walking poles as balance has been becoming an issue. We came to the doorway, and when I saw the tightly packed tables of vendors, with swarms of eager Christmas shoppers milling about and squeezing past each other to see the wares on display-I just froze. I had to swallow, my throat tightening, and take a breath, then stuttered out ” I can’t, I can’t, uhh, go in there.” I turned, and beside the doors were some volunteers-” Is there someplace I can sit?” They showed me to a nearby bench, and my sons went in to browse. Soon enough, they returned, and on the way out, I noticed a stall with some funky, rustic wood pieces, and didn’t I find just the simple, modern Christmas tree I decided I need this year, as I’m waiting for a date for an urgent surgery ( but that’s another story)
Hello Therese,
What a fiasco you had to go through and all for Christmas crafts! Bah humbug is what I say! It was just too much for you, and that is ok. Kudos to you for respecting your body’s limitations and giving yourself permission to sit this one out! Thanks for sharing your story. Merry Christmas!
Too frequently! And my poor d barely manages to get away from them. Help! They have taken away her life completely.
For me, the paralysing feeling of doom and inability to calm myself is now exacerbated by shaking, meaning I can’t guarantee I can play the piano. At the moment they hit, all you can do is have some kind of reset. Unfortunately for us, getting into bed/duvet is our only option.
Hello Sam,
Sometimes the best thing to do is to go back to bed. I can relate!
Oh I know that feeling well, it comes like a thief in the night, it doesn’t help when internal tremors mimic the feeling of palpitations with a panic attack. Confusing to say the least. I start relaxation exercises and a top up with meds and how for the best.
Hello Nic,
Yep! That’s it! It’s a good thing that you have learned some techniques that work. Thanks for sharing!
I don’t know if you have the same experience but sometimes when my levodopa pill hasn’t kicked in I can sense within Milleseconds that a deep dark crash is coming in. It happens so rapidly physically that my mind goes along for the roller coaster ride down along straight down. It’s taken me a while, but I’ve been able to realize that during that time when the tears come oh-so-easy and the negative thoughts start to overcrowd me, I know now that it’snot me doing it to myself . The real culprit is the Parkinson’s egging it on putting yet another extra weight around my brain. Now I always know and remind myself that eventually I will come out of them so it’ won’t last forever … and then there’s those bogeyman thoughts about yourself often make you feel come, marching in as well… it starts with overwhelmed and then fear,, and somehow feeling threatened by something unseen , then sometimes hopelessness… All demanding that you take it on.personally and if it succeeds, they can become pretty darkly and unbelievable… “You don’t know what you’re doing“….” You’re getting nowhere and nothing done,“ “You’re illness worse!”. It’s all a pile of psychological, and then emotional presented at a difficult timewith devastating results from stress on the body, including weakness everywhere.. That’s usually when the fight, flight, or freeze kicks in, a reaction from our primordial times. And then the weakness in will start at you because now you can’t do anything.But It sure has taught me to live in the moment, and somehow, miraculously, this is just a bad turn and a bit of a cycle and your time will come again. in the peaceful meditative way that I would’ve liked to have mastered turning the chaos into “quiet mind“.,… But in another way, I did, I separated it from me because I knew it was the Parkinson’s taking advantage of a bad moment and making it bigger and that sometimes it comes fully loaded rather quickly. So now that I know, and see the real reason and real culprit behind it I can give ‘me’ freedom from blaming myself for something that was obviously brought on by an illness and it’s affects.… manufactured coyly by the Parkinson’s. That little bugger! But now I’ve got his number!
Thanks for your wonderful posts… I found them and you had a time when I really needed it and they’ve stayed and continued made me remember the real ME and in all of this! Nancy
Hello Nancy,
You brought up the trouble that I’m struggling with as well. It’s more intense when I am waiting for my meds to kick in or when I’m not absorbing them appropriately. I am happy to hear that you give yourself permission not to be perfect and understand that this sensation is just temporary. You don’t need to take any of the blame. Thank you for sharing your story. I know that it helped me to reaffirm that I am doing the best I can.
Can’t say that I’ve been there Alley Cat, but I like your dad’s suggestion. Some form of distraction might be helpful.
Good luck! And Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you, Penny Lane and your family.
Merry Christmas to you, too!
I get full panic attacks still all the time ( really sucks )- it is most awful for the other person who has to witness it happening ! I l know that it will pass but it certainly is debilitating when it happens 😭
Hi Connie,
It’s nice to hear from you! I am sorry you have so many panic attacks. It’s amazing how they can just sneak up on you. Hope you have a happy holiday. Hope to connect with you soon!
Does not sound like fun. Would a headset playing distracting sounds help?
Hi Dad,
That might work. I sometimes use music as a distraction.
Music definitely soothes me